Relationship Advice on Shaming and Guilt

Our friend Charlie Risien, a relationship and addiction counselor in San Antonio, says, 

“Beware of the bony finger…”

She’s not talking about the middle finger, in this case, but the index finger. 

Here’s what we mean.

Remember when you were a toddler and you dipped a hand in the cookie jar when you’d been told not to?

“Tsk, Tsk, Tsk,” your mom would say as she wagged an index finger at you. “Shame on you.”

Shaming, or wagging the bony finger, shows an emotional imbalance. It’s a way of making you feel guilty.

People who have a healthy but appropriate level of self-esteem don’t feel the need to shame or demean others.

They certainly don’t need to “lay a guilt trip” on you.

This kind of behavior is bound to lead to unpleasant circumstances in the relationship someday.

Prince Charming may wag the bony finger too, at you or at others, in the following ways.

Does he belittle you, especially in front of other people?

Does he talk about you in the third person, almost as if you’re not in the room, demeaning you with disparaging remarks to others (this behavior is often followed with a comment like “But honey, you KNOW I was just kidding, don’t you?”).

Does he mimic things you say in a whiny or exaggerated voice, as a child might do?

If you see any of these behaviors in your Prince, be on the lookout.

Also see: Bipolar Disorder, Passive Aggressive Behavior, Self-esteem Issues, Narcissism, Domineering Personality, Submissive Personality, "Knight in Shining Armor", and Codependence.