Signs of a Bad Relationship

Also see relationship communication problems, character issues, family background and intimacy issues

Some dating red flags that signal a future relationship problem are pretty obvious. They're so obvious, in fact, we hesitate to mention them, or offer any dating advice. But here goes anyway.
 

Is he openly sexist, racist, or judgmental? If he doesn’t hesitate to tell you what he thinks about anything--or everything--without being asked, look out.

Does he mistreat pets, especially small ones? Does he disregard any pain, suffering or discomfort he may cause them. Any physical abuse he inflicts on them is an especially huge red flag.

Similarly, does he disregard or minimize the feelings or physical well-being of children? True, some men don’t know how to act around kids and may exhibit signs of disorientation or nervousness.

But treating them without respect or an appropriate amount of concern tells you he’s someone who is probably not healthy or mature emotionally.

Does he rarely show emotion? Many men think it’s noble and maybe even seductively mysterious to play the “strong silent type.”

Admittedly, it may not be a bad thing to stay even-tempered and level headed when things get crazy (especially where job stress, the ex, and children he had with the ex are concerned).

But beware of the man who stuffs his emotions under a façade of “strength.” You have to wonder why he feels he needs to do that.

Keep in mind, the Johnstown flood happened because too much water backed up in a dam, and the dam burst. You don’t want to be in the emotional valley below when the wall crumbles and the gushing begins.

Does he seem uncomfortable with emotions? Even yours. If he tells you you’re silly for crying at the end of a movie, you have to wonder why he has to say so.

Is he secretive? This one is similar to the trait of showing little emotion. Be especially wary of he tells you he’s doing it because he

“…doesn’t want to hurt your feelings…”

See our comments about dishonesty and distrust.

Does he expect you do all the simple chores? If you have a few friends over for dinner, and he doesn’t offer to help with clean up, you can certainly anticipate what will happen if you eventually set up housekeeping together.

We don’t have to tell you what to think if he says things like,

 “…that’s woman’s work…”

Does he often ask you to run errands for him, even though he knows you’re just as busy as he is?

Does he chafe when you ask him to do a favor for you, saying, “I can’t. I don’t have time.”

Not a good sign.

Does he act rules are for everyone else, but not him? Okay, it’s no big deal if he’s always doing 80 on the Beltway where the posted speed limit is 65. But if you open the glove compartment and find 15 unpaid parking tickets stuffed in there, you can bet he has a cavalier disregard for the rules. He’ll probably also have a cavalier disregard for commonly accepted rules in a relationship.

Does he follow through when he tells you he’ll do something? Omigod, what woman hasn’t waited for a guy who said he would call to actually do it?

That’s bad enough, but it’s so typical we suspect it may be a genetic flaw. As far as we’re concerned, it’s pretty inconsiderate but not necessarily a red flag.

Do be wary, however, of the guy who says he’ll stop and get a bottle of your favorite wine on the way to your dinner party, but then doesn’t.

Or says he’ll pick up your dry cleaning on his way home from work so you can wear that slinky black thing at the Children’s Hospital fundraiser that night…but he doesn’t do it.

Or says he won’t go out for drinks after work anymore with that female co-worker he mentioned to you...but then continues to do it.

Ribbit, ribbit…

Is he eternally suspicious? In this day and age of identity theft and Nigerian email scams, it pays to be cautious. But someone who sees conspiracies everywhere and trusts no one is going to make your life miserable someday.

Why?

Because he won’t trust you either, of course, and he’ll always think you’re doing things “behind his back.”

Do you really want to live a life in which you’re constantly defending your actions and motives for everything?

And you can’t help but wonder if he doesn’t trust anyone because he can’t be trusted himself.

Is he defensive about everything? Even when you pay him a simple compliment, he’ll ask,

“What did you mean by that?”

This frog in disguise thinks everyone finds fault with him somehow, in everything they say and do. It’s usually a sign that he was constantly criticized as a child and probably has low self esteem.

Does he tell you he hated every job he ever had and disliked everyone he ever worked for (or possibly everyone he ever worked with)?

We’d all rather be living off a trust fund and jetting to the Riviera 4-5 times a year. But the fact is, most of us have to have a job to pay the bills, and if you can’t find something enjoyable in a chore you have to do eight (or ten or twelve) hours a day, five (or six, or seven) days a week, the fault probably lies not in the stars, but in yourself.

Keep in mind that attitudes about work and attitudes about, say, a marriage, probably share a lot of similarities.

Is he compulsively indecisive? Does he need half an hour to decide between what shoes to wear? Does he sit and stare at the menu in a busy restaurant for 20 minutes before making up his mind what to order.

Does he constantly ask,

“What do you think I should do?”

There’s a whole range of personal history possibilities that may be at the bottom of this, and a whole range of psychological disturbances that could be going on here.

Is he compulsively insecure? As mentioned above, if he calls and leaves a message for you, then calls six more times in the next two hours asking why you haven’t called back, it’s not a good sign.
 

Does he worry about everything? A lot of uncertainty will drive anyone crazy, but excessive—possibly obsessive—concern about the future isn’t emotionally healthy. In fact, it’s downright irrational.

Can living with someone who’s downright irrational be fun?

Probably not. 

Should You Stay, Should You Go?

There are lots of factors you should consider when deciding whether to stay in a relationship, or get out. What are the important questions you should be asking if you’re thinking about divorce or ending a long term relationship? Where do you get the raltionship advice you need?

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