Relationship Advice on Passive-Aggressive Behavior

The passive-aggressive guy is the one who doesn't really want to go to that dinner party your friend is having, so he tells you he doesn't have the right clothes, there's a problem with his car, or his ex wants him to take the kids to their school play--none of which are true.

And if you don't give him an “out” after he throws all these excuses at you, he may become sullen and resentful.

The term "passive-aggressive" was first used by the U.S. military during World War II, when military psychiatrists noted that some soldiers displayed passive resistance and were reluctant to comply with orders.

We found a pretty good definition for passive-aggressive behavior in Wikipedia:

"a personality disorder said to be marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations."

Someone who is passive-aggressive tries to avoid doing something they don't want to do without letting it be known that they don't want to do it.

They'll also usually try to duck any confrontation over the matter.

Passive-aggressive people don't say or do anything to offend you. They’ll smile to your face but they really want to kick you in the shins.

So they just don't really make an effort to help, and they'll probably even resist in quiet, subtle ways, hoping you don’t notice that they’re trying to sabotage you.

On top of that, passive-aggressives are often unaware of how their behavior complicates your life, and since they don't know they're causing a problem, they don't make any effort to change. In fact, they'll probably blame you for their behavior.

Research into passive aggressive behavior seems to indicate that it stems from a dysfunctional family situation like overbearing parents or chaos in homes where there is alcohol/chemical abuse.

Passive aggressive characteristics

A laundry list of passive-aggressive clues in your Prince might include:

• He's often ambiguous about activities, plans or ideas. This gives him "wiggle room." If something goes wrong, he has an opportunity to blame someone else.

• He avoids responsibility by claiming he forgot.

• Chronic tardiness.

• Whines and complains a lot.

• Won't display anger openly. Prefers to do it through notes or email.

• Resists authority in almost everything, even when there seems to be no reason to do so.

• Resists suggestions from others.

• Fears competition.

• Avoids dependency.

• Fears intimacy (may use infidelity as a means of acting out anger or resentment).

• Intentionally creates chaos in relationships--usually without knowing it.

• Is intentionally inefficient when asked to do something he doesn't want to do.

• Makes a lot of excuses.

• Often "loses" things.

• Procrastinates.

• Is often sarcastic.

• Stubborn.

• Sullen.

• Claims not to understand what he's doing when asked to perform.

• Hopes to get you to believe it would take you longer to explain how to do something to him than it would be simply to do it yourself.

Passive-aggressive people are tough to live with because often you don't recognize what they're doing right away and your frustration with them usually builds over time.

In other words, you gradually stop seeing him as a Prince and start seeing him as a frog.

Unfortunately, by the time this recognition takes place, you may be deeply invested in the relationship, and lobbing him back in the pond is not always an easy option.