Relationship Advice on an Intimacy Problem

Also see the Bonus Section on Kissing Tips and the French Kiss

We're happy to live in a time when women are actually “allowed” to have sexual feelings, and when a certain level of enthusiasm for physical contact and an intimate relationship (which is another way of saying you're having intercourse, as you undoubtedly know) is considered normal and even healthy.

Where an intimacy problem arises in many dating relationships is at the intersection of “What I want” and “What he wants.” And when we both want it.

Most of the time, he’ll want to get right into the fast lane on the superhighway.

You, on the other hand, may want to travel some of the backroads and take your time.

When you’re just beginning a relationship with someone you like, you both know you want to get to the same destination eventually.

How you work out the amount of time you take to get there, and the roads you travel along the way, may reveal some important things about the future of the relationship after you pass from “not yet” to “right now.”

“Love at first night.” Do you or don’t you on the first date? We’re not going to sit in judgment on this one. We do believe though, it should be your choice—not something you’re coaxed, prodded or even bullied into.

Many men believe that “no” really just means “not yet,” and that “not yet” really just means “not-right-now-but-15-minutes-from-now-if-you-ask-me-15-more-times.”

Every woman has her own standards on this subject. We happen to believe that asking once on the first date doesn’t necessarily make your Prince a frog.

But if he asks 15 times on the first date, he was probably never a Prince in the first place.

And if he won’t take no for an answer at any time during a first date…then the first date should be the last.

When the first time should also be the last time. Every woman “appreciates appreciation.” She likes some reassurance that the first time wasn’t going to be an “OTO” (one time only).

Granted, most women we know wouldn’t expect two dozen roses to arrive the next day. But can we all agree that a phone call in the following 24 hours would be nice?

But what should you think if you do get flowers? Lots of them.

And lots of phone calls. Five or six a day, while you’re at work.

And you start getting a dozen or so emails a day, usually about really trivial stuff?

And you start “bumping” into him sometimes in places you don’t expect.

We know of one woman this happened to…right before she looked out her bedroom window around 5:30 one morning and saw her “Prince” scurrying around in the shadows in her backyard.

This is the kind of appreciation, attention and affection you don’t need.

So be careful when your Prince seems obsessed with showing you just how much he likes you.  An “OTO” in this case would probably be in your best interest.

Does he get rougher and more physical with each intimate encounter? Okay, he’s not hurting you, and you kinda like his enthusiasm. But face it, some guys like “rough and tumble” to be exactly that—with possibly some pain thrown in too.

If he starts tugging your hair, pinching you, pushing you around, using his teeth on your skin, or doing anything that causes you discomfort, he’ll probably do it more--and harder--if you don’t put a stop to it. And there’s no telling where it will end.

Unless you’re fond of that same type of lovemaking (again, we’re not making judgments here), we urge extreme caution.

Is he not interested enough in intimacy? The stereotypical guy wants to get you into bed from the first time he sets eyes on you.

Remember the movie When Harry Met Sally? Remember the scene where Billy Crystal explains to Meg Ryan that a man and a woman can never truly be friends because he’ll always want to have sex with her?

Maybe that’s overstating it a little, but in our experience, we’ve found that most men are interested in getting you to the bedroom (or onto the living room floor, the kitchen table, a blanket in the backyard, the back seat of his SUV…or…well anywhere) sooner rather than later.

That’s why it can be refreshing at first when a guy suggests “Let’s wait…” There’s no pressure.

But you wait. And you wait. And you wait.

But nothing happens.

Meanwhile, you’re getting chocolates, roses and teddy bears, but you’re never getting naked.

What’s up with this guy? Or, excuse us…not up?

Well, you may need professional advice on this one…the name Freud comes to mind…but in our experience, we’ve found that this Prince has usually been dumped by a princess in his recent history, and he just can’t bring himself to be intimate for a while.

He may be kind, gentle, and even delightfully romantic in many ways.

But when it comes to getting close—really close—this Prince is a pauper.