Relationship Advice on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism 

Dating an Alcoholic or Alcohol Abuser

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, so you may marry someone who hasn't become an alcoholic yet. Often, the journey from casual or "social" drinker to alcohol abuse and alcoholism takes years or even decades. 

One person in our group had an alcoholic spouse. She has shared with all of us some of the warning signs she learned in the 25 years of marriage before she finally filed for divorce.

One story she told us is particularly heart-rending.

Her husband’s drinking has already reached the extreme stage when their 21-year-old son came home from college for a few days.

The son met some old friends and went out one evening. He didn’t return until after midnight.

The next morning she greeted him when he got up and asked what time he got home.

“It was around 12:30,” he replied.

“Was your dad still up?” she queried.

“He was drunk and passed out on the sofa,” the son replied, in such a matter-of-fact tone that she was stunned.

“Well,” she said quietly. “He probably just fell asleep in front of the TV.”

“Mom,” her son said. “I know what’s going on here. And I’ve been to college. I can tell the difference between asleep and passed out.”

She went quietly to her bedroom, closed the door, and cried “for an hour.”

Early signs of an alcohol problem

Here are some of the signs our friend began to notice with her husband as he progressed from social drinker to alcohol abuser to alcoholic:

• He forgot parts or all of conversations they had. She found herself saying more often, “We talked about this. Don’t you remember?” He couldn’t.

• He started drinking more coffee to “get his heart started” in the morning. On weekends, he would often sleep until almost noon.

• She heard co-workers at a party joking about how often he had the proverbial “3 martini lunch” and returned to the office tipsy.

• He began sitting in front of the TV in the early evening, with a drink in his hand. He would continue drinking for hours. Often he would stay up and drink alone after she went to bed.

• He began coming to bed later, and was rarely interested in sex when he finally got there. She later realized it was because he had stayed up drinking for hours and was practically comatose.

• She began finding liquor bottles in odd places around the house. He was trying to hide them so she wouldn’t know how much he was drinking. As alcoholism progresses, the alcoholic builds up a tolerance and must drink increasing amounts to get the desired effect.

• His drink of choice was vodka, because it was harder to smell on his breath than other types of liquor.

We realize it would be hard to detect some of these signs unless you’re actually living with the person full time. But there are other signs you may be able to spot at the beginning of a relationship.

How about the parents and siblings? There’s been some research lately about whether alcoholism is genetic and individuals in certain families are more “genetically pre-disposed.”

In surfing the Internet, we didn’t find any concrete evidence from medical studies, although the case for a genetic link seems to be growing. Lots of experts agree, though, alcoholism seems to run in families, and some families appear to be more “susceptible” or “vulnerable” to it.

Once again, as non-professionals, we can only share the experiences of family and friends.

Questions to ask when you suspect alcohol abuse or alcoholism:

• Is there a pattern of heavy drinking in the family?

• Do you hear comments about how certain family members “always get drunk at weddings” or other family gatherings?

• Do you see a lot of drinking taking place in the afternoon, or even in the morning?

• Has someone in the family, or several people, been to rehab for an alcohol problem?

• Are you surprised at the sheer volume of alcohol a person consumes. As mentioned above, if someone can “really hold their liquor,” it’s probably because they’ve been getting plenty of practice.

Also see: Drug Abuse, Gambling Addiction, Sex Addiction.