Relationship Advice on Poor Conversation & Communication Skills

Can we talk? NOT! There may be an exception to the rule, but it seems to us that every relationship starts with a conversation.

If the first one goes well, there may be dozens or hundreds or thousands to follow. In the happiest of all circumstances, those conversations continue for a lifetime.

Unfortunately, many men are adept in the art of making a good first impression by being great conversationalists. Also unfortunately, they’re so good at it because they’ve done it so many times before.

But where deep, honest, two-way communication is concerned, the devil is in the details, and in this case, the details come in those conversations that follow the first one.

This is where Prince Charming’s crown may lose some of its glitter -- and frog warts start popping out here and there.

Does he talk too much? We all know people - men and women - who won't shut up. Mary Motormouth. Benny Blowhard. The question is...why won't they shut up? First word that jumps to mind is narcissism. He may just think he's so great and so interesting that you want to know everything about him, what he's doing, what he's done and what he's going to do every day for the next eternity. See our section on narcissism to learn how to spot red flags for this type.

There's a possibility that a guy who talks a lot is trying to impress you. Flattering, right?. Well, up to a point. After a while it becomes annoying and it may be a sign of a couple of hang-ups you won't want to deal with later in the relationship. Like low self-esteem.

There's also the guy who seems to think you'll get bored if he stops talking. This might be a sign that he likes you enough that he doesn't want you to lose interest.

A lot of chatting in the beginning of a relationship is a good thing because whole point of getting to know each other is...well...getting to know each other. But it should be shared experienced. When either party in a relationship takes control of the conversation and does most of the talking, it can't be a promising situation.

Does he interrupt frequently? We mentioned this one earlier, but it bears repeating. If he won’t let you finish a sentence, it either means

• he thinks he’s smarter than you, or
• you--or what you have to say—aren’t worth listening to.

In either case, when one partner in a relationship feels “more equal” than another, it’s not a good thing.

It should be noted though that geographical differences may come into play here.

Deborah Tannen, in her research on conversational communication, notes that there are different degrees of acceptability where interrupting is concerned.

For instance, if you’re a slow talking Southern Belle and you hook up with a Type A guy who grew up in Brooklyn, you may occasionally find him trying to hurry you along by helping you reach the end of your sentences.

So you may want to take geographical and cultural differences into consideration when making judgments on this subject.

Do your conversations often focus on him and his accomplishments? Does he talk a lot about himself without being prompted by your questions? Does he bring up things he’s accomplished as if he’s trying to impress you?

Every woman probably feels a little flattered if a guy wants to show off a bit for her. It signals that he wants her to like him. But it might also signal that he has an inflated sense of affection for himself, which does not bode well for the future of a relationship.

Is he always the hero in his stories? As the grammatically-challenged Hall of Fame baseball pitcher Dizzy Dean once said,

“It ain’t braggin’ if you done it…”

But if most of his stories seem to be aimed mainly at glorifying himself, you have to ask, “Why does he feel he needs to do that?”

Does he ask too much about you while telling you almost nothing about himself? True, you want a guy who is interested in learning more about you. But sometimes he’ll spend much of his time trying to learn a lot about you because he doesn’t want to reveal much about himself.

As mentioned before…if he’s vague about the details in his life—job, family, friends, personal history—it’s probably because there’s something he doesn’t want you to know.

Which has to make you wonder, doesn’t it?

Do the details of his stories change with each telling? Everyone in our group has admitted that they’ll sometimes “exaggerate for effect” or “customize” a story a little to make it more interesting. It reminds us of what Mark Twain said,

“Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness…”

Nonetheless, if you hear the same story from your Prince several times, and some of the material facts change significantly from one telling to the next, you might conclude the Prince is something other than just a bad storyteller.

He might be habitually loose with the truth…which makes him considerably less promising as a potential partner.

Does he talk too little? Is he the quiet type? Some guys are unsure of themselves when it comes to conversation. They lack confidence and they're worried they might say something that will offend. This is especially true if they really like you and want the relationship to progress. With this guy you have to be patient and draw him out sometimes - assuming you're convinced it may be worth the effort. It can be worthwhile sometimes. Hey, guys with a dash of humility are not a bad thing - and sometimes they're pretty damned hard to find!

On the other hand, he could be overly-submissive and have self-esteem issues. These can be trouble. A guy who'll listen to your point of view and try to see things from your perspective is great. A guy who'll let you take total control of the relationship is likely to become resentful of the power you have over him, even if he's the one giving you that power. 

The one to really watch out for is the guy who's playing "secret agent." He doesn't want you to know about him because he fears intimacy. He doesn't want you to get close. This is definitely a big red flag.

If you can't find a few connection points for conversation after the first few dates, then chances are low for any satisfying experience beyond that. It's not your job to be his psychiatrist and figure out why he can't - or won't - talk to you.

Is he the strong silent type? Some guys think this is naturally appealing to women and also that it makes him somewhat mysterious. What it usually does is make you uncertain, and as one woman in our group says, "Uncertainty is what drives people crazy the most."

The trick is to solve the mystery beneath the silence. Is he just naturally introspective and thoughtful - not such a bad thing - or is he intentionally trying to keep you off balance and guessing about his real self. If it's the latter, then he's probably psychologically or emotionally dysfunctional. He should be allowed to escape back to the frog pond.