Relationship Advice on Codependence 

One of our counselors told us a handy definition of codependence:

“When a codependent person is about to die, someone else’s life flashes before their eyes.” 

Codependents live their lives through other people. The characteristics of a codependent person include:

• tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one's own,

• continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others,

• anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation,

• difficulty expressing feelings,

• excessive worry how others may respond to one's feelings,

• undue fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others,

• self-esteem dependent on approval by others,

• tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others.

How many people like this do you know? Probably a lot.

The original research on codependence, done by Melody Beattie and published in her book, Codependent No More, focused mainly on children in alcoholic families. Much of what is currently understood about codependence relates to adult children of alcoholics.

Signs of codependency

• Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.
• Being addicted to excitement / drama.
• Being either super responsible or super irresponsible.
• Belief that others cause or are responsible for their emotions.
• Confusion and sense of inadequacy.
• Confusion between love and pity.
• Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having a compromised sense of self.
• Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.
• Difficulty having fun, or feeling guilty when he does.
• Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.
• Difficulty in following a project through.
• Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.
• Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.
• Feelings of being different.
• Hypersensitivity to criticism.
• Inability to judge what "normal" is.
• Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.
• Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.
• Judging self, others constantly and mercilessly.
• Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.
• Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
• Low self esteem, often projected onto others.
• Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)
• Rigidity and need to control.
• Tendency to look for "victims" to help.

Codependents often use language like

"you make me feel ______", or

"why did you make me feel this way?" 

If you begin to see a lot of these clues in your Prince, be ready for a very challenging relationship—one that will probably end long before you fulfill the “till death do us part…” vow.

Also see: Bipolar Disorder, Passive Aggressive Behavior, Self-esteem Issues, Narcissism, Domineering Personality, Submissive Personality, "Knight in Shining Armor", and Shaming and Guilt.