Relationship Advice Related to the "Ex" or "Exes"

 We don’t necessarily buy it when it comes to marriages. In fact, we’re more inclined to agree with one of our friends who says

“I’d never want to be the third Mrs. Anybody.” 

Yes, absolutely, it’s possible to make two mistakes in one lifetime when it comes to picking a partner. Plenty of women do it too.

But if he’s been married twice, or more, we would advise moving slowly before committing to become his “third Mrs.”

Did his last marriage end in less than two years? His age is a consideration here. Sometimes people who get married in their teens and early 20s, especially if there’s a child, often split up because they simply weren’t ready.

But if he’s in his late 20’s or beyond, we advise doing whatever you can to find out why his marriage went south so fast.

Does he talk about his exes as if they were all crazy, especially the most recent one? Well, it’s possible some of them actually were crazy. But it’s bad form to make the case to you.

If all the break-ups were “all her fault,” it’s probably reasonable to think he’ll believe someday that any conflict in your relationship is all your fault.

Speaking of finding fault, does he spell out for you, in detail, the character flaws and shortcomings of other women in his life?
Do you really need to know? And why does he think you need to know? Is he saying to you,

“This is what the others did. Don’t YOU do the same…”
 

Does he talk about how other women have “disappointed” him or not lived up to his standards somehow?

Puh-leeze! This guy thinks a lot of himself. Women should live up to his standards? Okay, we all have standards, but how do you know his are reasonable?

We believe that if he’s telling you about how other women have “disappointed” him, his standards could use a little redefinition—and that’s not your job.

Is he still “good friends” with one or more of his exes? Just what does he mean by good friends anyway? Do they send each other birthday or holiday cards? Do they email each other several times a week “just to say hello?” Do they meet occasionally for lunch?

Or does he go over to her place for dinner several times a month—and stay till the next morning.

Just as your Prince shouldn’t be relentlessly “bashing” his exes, he shouldn’t include them as a significant part of his life when he’s entering into another relationship.

Being civil and respectful with an ex is healthy, especially if it’s an ex who shares children with you.

Being friendly with an ex can be a sign of emotional maturity and a signal that you truly have moved on.

But in our opinion, being a confidant of an ex, or worse, being occasionally intimate with an ex, is out of the question.

Is he having trouble getting over his most recent ex? There’s no expiration date on feelings he might have for someone he cared about, especially if it was her decision to break up. It varies from guy to guy.

But if your Prince talks a lot about his ex, or often says things like, “That reminds me of (insert ex’s name here),” it’s a good bet there are still some emotions that could complicate your relationship.

There’s an old saying among cowboys.

“When your horse dies, it’s time to get off…”

We believe this advice should also apply to previous relationships.

Conventional wisdom says dating someone within a year of his separation or divorce is risky, especially if you’re his “first romance” since his marriage ended.

Conventional wisdom also says marrying someone within three years after a break up is fraught with danger.

Conventional wisdom is often wrong, of course, but in our experience, these general guidelines seem to be reasonable.

Is there a problem finalizing the divorce? Once again, this one is so obvious, we hesitate to bring it up.

But we will.

Granted, if the papers aren’t final, there are bound to be some complications, disputes and possibly lots of bickering regarding the settlement. That’s just the way these things go.

It will be hard for some of this stuff not to bleed over into your relationship.

So we advise patience, but wariness.

If the process seems to become prolonged, and you start to feel that he’s procrastinating, or possibly doesn’t really want the divorce to be final, it obviously could be a very bad sign.

Remember what we said above: sometimes you want to dance with the devil you know more than the one you don’t.

In this case, the devil he knows is the soon-to-be ex-wife. The devil he doesn’t know…well, that would be you.

Does he ever tell you, “You’re just like my ex?” This is a good reason to say “Check please” and call a cab.

Think about it. If you’re just like his ex, and he and his ex have split, what do you think your prospects are?

One woman told us she recently started seeing a guy who seemed to have some promise. He was attractive, intelligent, thoughtful, and stable. He had been separated about three years when they met, and the divorce had been final for two years.

Everything about him seemed appealing. She even told several friends, “I can’t believe my luck.”

But after they’d been dating for about two months, she noticed that he often drank 4-5 glasses of wine during the evening. By the end of the night, he was “taking her inventory,” as the saying goes.

He accused her of not paying enough attention to him when they were with her friends.

He started using a commanding or “imperative” tone with her.

He started to criticize the way she dressed, and he picked apart the words she said, parsing them and finding the most negative possible interpretation in them.

As a result, she became less open and more quiet.

And then…

He started criticizing her for being distant and unreachable, “just like my ex.”

Our friend realized he treated his ex just like he treated her, and that’s why she responded to him—or rather didn’t respond to him—the way she did…by withdrawing and trying not to say or do anything that drew criticism.

But in his mind, he had done nothing to trigger such behavior, and saw her “unresponsiveness” as a problem.

In summary, any negative comparison he draws between you and a former partner does not promise happy times ahead.